If I could have one wish (pre-recovery)

From my myspace - 4/15/2007

Pretty much everytime I eat...I purge.

I've always purged, and sometimes binged, but I would only purge if I had something bad.
Now whether I have something good or bad, I purge. In high school I used to purge when I drank water, and I would refuse to swallow my saliva sometimes because I thought perhaps it contained calories. I'm turning into my high school self. The only good thing about it is I was kinda thin then. Or at least thinner than I am now. But I was SO lost then. I don't want to revert back to that.

I think my only solution is to not have food in my house. Or at least food that I won't eat, or that is too hard to purge. Basically I have to get rid of all snack food, and only have meat and gross stuff similar to that that only my husband eats.

This is so depressing. I mean, who the hell can't have food in their own house?!?! What kind of mess have I become?!?! What will it take for me to see victory?!?! I've spent the last couple of weeks overseas around some very poor and sometimes starving people. But yet right after feeding some of them the only meal they will get all day, I go, eat my lunch and purge. Talk about guilt. It's by my own volition that I starve myself or purge--these people, mostly children, have very little choice in the matter.

I've also had several girls younger than me, come up to me asking for help on the ED issue in the past week. They have been struggling with it, and although they have no idea that I struggle with the same monster, they want to be free from it. I do what I can; pray for them, direct them to long-term help and share stories of hope with them, secretly hoping and praying that I am more of a positive influence on them rather than a negative, triggering, stumbling block.

My husband is bothered by all the purging. He doesn't say or do much about it, but I can tell he is beside himself with it all. He no longer asks "were you a good girl?" after every trip to the lu. He just knows. Neither one of us can foresee any solution to this on the near horizon, other than a miracle. I just let everyone down all the time. I understand why very few believe in me any longer.

The only thing I want right now is to stop purging. That's all. Well, that's pretty much all.

It's weird. I'm feeling so down and so alone in all this, but yet I still have some hope, deep inside me, that someday I will see freedom. I can't describe the hopelessness I currently feel, but yet the hope I feel for my future freedom.

I AM SO SICK OF MY DISGUSTING SELF. I AM AT MY END.