I think I want a baby

I do, I think I do!  I think I want another child.  Lovebug is one and I'd like another cutie. :-)

I had been in recovery from anorexia for over a year and a half when I got pregnant with Lovebug.  It wasn't an easy task, as my period was very irregular after having full blown amennorrhea and therefore my cycles were super long, making me annovulatory or at the very least, it was nearly impossible to track ovulation.

In order to get pregnant with Lovebug, I had to change some things.  I realized (thanks to a great natural doctor) that although my weight and BMI were healthy, my body fat percentage was still low. 

I have a pretty muscular build and when I run and/or work out regularly, I get even more muscular. 

So in order to conceive Lovebug, I completely stopped all physical exercise (a very, very difficult thing for me to do) in order to gain more body fat and my period came back.  After it came back, I gained a few pounds, ate healthy fat foods and got pregnant the next month!  

26 weeks pregnant with Lovebug

I'm actually at a lower weight than I was when I began the journey to conceive Lovebug, but it's not intentional.  I keep losing 2-3 pounds a month. :-/

I just cannot keep the weight on right now with breastfeeding. 

Normally at this weight when I'm working out regularly (which I'm not right now), I lose my period.  I know I'm close to losing it, so I know I must gain 5 pounds or so....and most of it fat.

But I just can't. 

I physcially can't and I don't think I emotionally can either.

What to do, what to do?

Fantabulous Weekend

I had a most excellent weekend! 

My festivities included a waterpark (in which I actually wore my bikini and didn't wear something over it to cover up!), many barbeques, s'mores, manning a family rummage sale (and making some nice cash), going tubing down the river with my girls (which included way too much drinking, smoking, laughing, and sunburn), eating pizza at a restaurant right on the lake, getting ice cream, church, a wedding, more food, tubing behind a boat, kayaking, swimming, and going on an airplane ride in my dad's float plane. 

It was great, even though I had a major party/weekend hangover.

Many times this weekend, I was reminded of summer's past, when I wouldn't let anyone see me in a bikini, or when I didn't eat regular ice cream but fat free frozen yogurt instead, or refused a s'more, or restricted water on hot days for fear of weight gain.    

It feels so good to be free and not worrying about all that!  I totally gained weight this weekend, but I'm confident that my body will self-regulate now that I'm sort of back into my regular routine!

While I was reminiscing this weekend, I was thinking about our nation's freedom, which spurred thoughts on the cost of freedom.  That thought resonated within me.....

my freedom from anorexia has cost a lot, but this is the better life! 

I hope you all had a fantabulous holiday weekend!

Ice cream social

It seems that multiple times per day I'm reminded of some way that I've recently experienced victory.  Victory that I never thought would be mine.

This weekend, after much partying while tubing down the river, my friends and I stopped by a little neighboring town for ice cream.  As I was browsing the flavors in this cute little candy and ice cream shop, I had a flashback to one of the many times I visited this shop when I was anorexic.

I remembered in years past, gazing at the flavors, knowing all were so laden with calories and feeling anxious and nervous and angry and scared all at the same time.  I finally found a low calorie, frozen yogurt.  But being an anorexic, that's not good enough. 

You always want less. You feel like anything is too much. 

I then remembered selecting the option of putting my frozen yogurt in a cup.  A hand made waffle cone was out of the question and apparently so was the 20 calorie regular cone.

In spite of all my cautiousness that day, it still triggered a purging episode.

This weekend was different.  I ordered a double scoop cone, in a plain cone (yes, I was a little afraid of calories) one scoop with full fat white raspberry cheesecake ice cream and one scoop with full fat Monster cookie ice cream to be exact.  Yes, I know those flavors don't match but I might have been a little tipsy at the time and thought that sounded good.  And yes it was good.

It was delicious.

To be able to eat ALL of my cone and feel very little guilt, was such an amazing feeling!

Victory!