It seems that multiple times per day I'm reminded of some way that I've recently experienced victory. Victory that I never thought would be mine.
This weekend, after much partying while tubing down the river, my friends and I stopped by a little neighboring town for ice cream. As I was browsing the flavors in this cute little candy and ice cream shop, I had a flashback to one of the many times I visited this shop when I was anorexic.
I remembered in years past, gazing at the flavors, knowing all were so laden with calories and feeling anxious and nervous and angry and scared all at the same time. I finally found a low calorie, frozen yogurt. But being an anorexic, that's not good enough.
You always want less. You feel like anything is too much.
I then remembered selecting the option of putting my frozen yogurt in a cup. A hand made waffle cone was out of the question and apparently so was the 20 calorie regular cone.
In spite of all my cautiousness that day, it still triggered a purging episode.
This weekend was different. I ordered a double scoop cone, in a plain cone (yes, I was a little afraid of calories) one scoop with full fat white raspberry cheesecake ice cream and one scoop with full fat Monster cookie ice cream to be exact. Yes, I know those flavors don't match but I might have been a little tipsy at the time and thought that sounded good. And yes it was good.
It was delicious.
To be able to eat ALL of my cone and feel very little guilt, was such an amazing feeling!
Victory!
This weekend, after much partying while tubing down the river, my friends and I stopped by a little neighboring town for ice cream. As I was browsing the flavors in this cute little candy and ice cream shop, I had a flashback to one of the many times I visited this shop when I was anorexic.
I remembered in years past, gazing at the flavors, knowing all were so laden with calories and feeling anxious and nervous and angry and scared all at the same time. I finally found a low calorie, frozen yogurt. But being an anorexic, that's not good enough.
You always want less. You feel like anything is too much.
I then remembered selecting the option of putting my frozen yogurt in a cup. A hand made waffle cone was out of the question and apparently so was the 20 calorie regular cone.
In spite of all my cautiousness that day, it still triggered a purging episode.
This weekend was different. I ordered a double scoop cone, in a plain cone (yes, I was a little afraid of calories) one scoop with full fat white raspberry cheesecake ice cream and one scoop with full fat Monster cookie ice cream to be exact. Yes, I know those flavors don't match but I might have been a little tipsy at the time and thought that sounded good. And yes it was good.
It was delicious.
To be able to eat ALL of my cone and feel very little guilt, was such an amazing feeling!
Victory!
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