Through many different treatment options and lots of prayer, I oscillated for years between recovery and a full-blown eating disorder. I am an all or nothing person in every way.
My most recent relapse was severe. I knew I could ask my parents for help, but I didn't want any of our family members involved. As desperate as I was to get better, you can read my story and see why I needed to cut some ties for a while.
I wanted to be better. I really, really, really did. But with no money, no US health insurance, and never staying in the States for longer than 3 weeks, I didn't have many options.
If you think your eating disorder won't affect every aspect of your life, you're very wrong. I had to majorly slow down with my job. I could not keep up. It was slowing my husband down, slowing my work partners down and slowing my organization down.
Because of this, I was able to get involved with a women's group at a church. I was a fairly anonymous soul and after several months of attending when we were home, I finally had the courage to ask the leader if they do any mentorship programs. I didn't say for what.
She said: Yes, we do. We have people that have been through many things and can help. Depression, marriage problems, eating disorders...(I took that as my sign that I should say yes, even though I swore with everything in me, she just named random problems. I NEVER thought that someone could look at me and guess I had an ED).
I said: Um, yes, I guess, um, if there is someone who has experience with eating issues or something...
She said: Yes, I do know of someone, but I will have to get back to you.
I'm thinking: Fuck, fuck, fuck! Cat's out of the bag. And holy crap, this church is huge, there sure as hell better be someone who knows something or somewhere about help for eating disorders.
A few days later, this lady emails me and says there is someone who does free work for women in the community. She only takes a couple of people a year, and there's a bit of an interview process. Would I be interested?
I said yes. What did I have to lose? I didn't think I was bad enough to get accepted into this lady's program, and I had already humiliated myself enough by asking for help, but I didn't care.
The lady called me - we'll call her Lisa. Lisa talked to me on the phone for a bit. I loved her instantly. She was very sweet, a little quirky, but for the first time since I was a junior in high school, I was talking to someone who really knew the ins and the outs of an eating disorder.
I got done with my interview with her, and told my husband all about it. We hoped and prayed that I would get accepted. As a prerequisite I had to go to HER doctor for a physical to verify that I was anorexic.
Yes, still anorexic.
Almost just as quickly, Lisa called me back and said I was instantly accepted! I guess I was an intense one or whatever, because for the entire time she worked with me, she only had one other lady she worked with.
Let me tell you, it was intense. But absolutely amazing! This woman has never been trained professionally, but was anorexic for years. She gets it all like no one else.
I also started being mentored by another, well, actually very famous author and speaker who shall remain nameless. She had an eating disorder, went to this church as well, and saw some of my pictures online when I was at the peak of the pro-eating disorder world, befriended me through myspace, found out who I was and that we went to the same church, and also started investing in me as well. TOTAL God thing!
I was getting amazing advice all around. I was being loved.
But I just wasn't getting better - I was staying the same, which was actually a great success. My weight mostly stabilized, but I was still very sick.
A big decision was made to move across the country.
This meant that I would lose all the help I had. Help that I hadn't had in years. My mentors were extremely worried that the weight I had been maintaining, with daily support, counsel and encouragement, would plummet. They even staged an intervention meeting with my husband and me to get us to reconsider our move.
I felt like my hands were tied, and we went on with the move.
I went downhill fast when we moved. Some days I binged and purged for 12 hours straight. My weight dropped even lower, and as far as I know, eventually I reached my lowest weight ever. I got more sick. Mentally and emotionally I was a mess. Physically, I was sick often.
I had prayed and prayed and prayed to God, "Please God, I want to be over this. I DON'T want it. I keep trying to get better and nothing is working. I have faith that You can help me! Please don't let me die. Save me, God, please!"
But I never got an answer. Instead, things always got worse.
One day, I was home sick from work. I had got a flu that was going around but it hit my malnourished body really hard. After three or four days of a constant fever and every flu symptom, I was sick of everything. I got up to go to the bathroom at one point as I was on my way back I heard God say: "It's over".
I stopped in my tracks and said: "Whhhaaaattttt?"
It's over.
I felt this big flood of relief at that moment. I cannot describe what happened at that moment, or even what took place the next couple of hours, days, even weeks.
It was supernatural.
I walked into the kitchen and ate half a bag of rice cakes, something that would've sent me purging before, but I didn't purge. I went back to the couch, shaking my head in shock, laid down and actually was able to sleep (I had insomnia problems). I waited several hours to tell my husband because I was in disbelief.
With the sound of His voice, it was over.
You have to understand, I've seen and done and been a part of a lot of crazy things, but nothing like this. In fact, I was really pissed off at God because He wasn't helping me out earlier and I was so ready to give up.
I ate and ate and ate for about two weeks, mostly foods that I had deemed safe because I didn't want to shock my body and I was petrified of weight gain. No matter how much I ate, I couldn't get full. I was starving.
Unfortunately, I got very sick because my body was not used to that much food, even though it was rice cakes, apples, sugar free stuff, etc. My body just couldn't keep up and I had a lot of issues that took over a year to resolve.
No part of recovery has been easy. Even though there was a supernatural release from the eating disorder, I still had to work my ass off, and still continue to.
I had to change a lot of things. I was very active in the online eating disorder world and had gained quite a reputation and following. But I had to abandon all that hard work, and tell others that I was going into recovery. I had to step down from a busy ministry schedule and take time to rest and plan healthy meals. I had to avoid certain restaurants or skip working out for periods of time because the temptation has proved too great occasionally.
This journey is a process. There is no magic fix.
There have been highs and lows in this recovery journey, and I haven't been perfect, but my body did return to it's normal, functioning self after over a year.
A year and a half after that God-moment, I got pregnant!
