Who am I hurting?

From my journal 1/26/2010, 17 weeks pregnant:

It's tougher than I thought and being that I gained so much in the first 10 weeks.... I've gained 17 pounds and hoping/planning to stay there until at least 20 weeks pregnant.  But I do find myself restricting.  I have another appointment with my midwife this week and will maybe mention it.  I really don't believe I'm hurting the baby, and in the long run this will be better for all so I don't trigger a relapse.

My justification is poor.  I think that by not gaining too much weight, I won't have much to lose once I have this baby.  If I don't have much weight to lose, I won't freak out because I know it will come off.

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday and she said that if the baby needs something nutrionally, it will take it from my body.  The baby won't be left void.  But my body will.

That made me think...I guess I am hurting someone.  Me.

Purging while Pregnant

I'm so ashamed.

I know it's stupid, but yet I try to justify it. 

I've been purging sometimes.

And I'm pregnant.

I don't know why I do it, but it scares me. I'm so scared of gaining more weight.  I've been restricting to slow down my weight gain.  I gained over 15 pounds in the first 10 weeks and in order to stop that continuum, I've either restricted or exercised for hours. 

Is this what I've become?  One of those moms who puts herself before the health of ther child?

I love this baby, but God help me.