It's been a little over two weeks since I've had my baby. I'm so crazy in love!
I've lost about 35 pounds, which has been a great feeling. But you know what? I'm not even that worried about it!
For the first time in my life!
Sure, I'm busy with my cute baby, but I'm not really trying to lose the baby weight. Yes, I gained an extrodinarily large amount of weight, but my husband and midwife always encouraged me that my body knows what it needs. I believed that too, for the most part. I'm sure my moments will come, but for now I will enjoy this time, and enjoy my little blessing!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Stretch Marks
From my journal, 6/25/2010:
Well, stretch marks are starting and it's be really hard on me. I've felt ugly, too big, fat, gross, swollen, everything. I feel like I have to go back to anorexia to be happy??? What a lie! Anorexia is miserable and time consuming, I know that.
When I wrote this, I felt like I would never be normal again and that the only way to lose weight is through an eating disorder.
Well, stretch marks are starting and it's be really hard on me. I've felt ugly, too big, fat, gross, swollen, everything. I feel like I have to go back to anorexia to be happy??? What a lie! Anorexia is miserable and time consuming, I know that.
When I wrote this, I felt like I would never be normal again and that the only way to lose weight is through an eating disorder.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
No more purging while pregnant
I wrote a little ways back about how I was still occsionally purging. I felt awful about it. This child in me is so loved and so wanted already. I just had to be done.
It came to the point where I had to decide if my weight or my child's health was more importnant. I am choosing the latter.
No matter how much weight I gain, I cannot purge, restrict, over-exercise, take laxatives or diet pills, smoke, or use any other means to control my weight while I'm pregnant.
What makes my weight more important than my child's life?
Nothing.
I'm DONE purging. I hope to God that I never to it again.
I love my baby. I want to love my body too.
It came to the point where I had to decide if my weight or my child's health was more importnant. I am choosing the latter.
No matter how much weight I gain, I cannot purge, restrict, over-exercise, take laxatives or diet pills, smoke, or use any other means to control my weight while I'm pregnant.
What makes my weight more important than my child's life?
Nothing.
I'm DONE purging. I hope to God that I never to it again.
I love my baby. I want to love my body too.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Who am I hurting?
From my journal 1/26/2010, 17 weeks pregnant:
It's tougher than I thought and being that I gained so much in the first 10 weeks.... I've gained 17 pounds and hoping/planning to stay there until at least 20 weeks pregnant. But I do find myself restricting. I have another appointment with my midwife this week and will maybe mention it. I really don't believe I'm hurting the baby, and in the long run this will be better for all so I don't trigger a relapse.
My justification is poor. I think that by not gaining too much weight, I won't have much to lose once I have this baby. If I don't have much weight to lose, I won't freak out because I know it will come off.
I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday and she said that if the baby needs something nutrionally, it will take it from my body. The baby won't be left void. But my body will.
That made me think...I guess I am hurting someone. Me.
It's tougher than I thought and being that I gained so much in the first 10 weeks.... I've gained 17 pounds and hoping/planning to stay there until at least 20 weeks pregnant. But I do find myself restricting. I have another appointment with my midwife this week and will maybe mention it. I really don't believe I'm hurting the baby, and in the long run this will be better for all so I don't trigger a relapse.
My justification is poor. I think that by not gaining too much weight, I won't have much to lose once I have this baby. If I don't have much weight to lose, I won't freak out because I know it will come off.
I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday and she said that if the baby needs something nutrionally, it will take it from my body. The baby won't be left void. But my body will.
That made me think...I guess I am hurting someone. Me.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Purging while Pregnant
I'm so ashamed.
I know it's stupid, but yet I try to justify it.
I've been purging sometimes.
And I'm pregnant.
I don't know why I do it, but it scares me. I'm so scared of gaining more weight. I've been restricting to slow down my weight gain. I gained over 15 pounds in the first 10 weeks and in order to stop that continuum, I've either restricted or exercised for hours.
Is this what I've become? One of those moms who puts herself before the health of ther child?
I love this baby, but God help me.
I know it's stupid, but yet I try to justify it.
I've been purging sometimes.
And I'm pregnant.
I don't know why I do it, but it scares me. I'm so scared of gaining more weight. I've been restricting to slow down my weight gain. I gained over 15 pounds in the first 10 weeks and in order to stop that continuum, I've either restricted or exercised for hours.
Is this what I've become? One of those moms who puts herself before the health of ther child?
I love this baby, but God help me.
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