From my diary - 4/18/07
I've found out my scale is 2.5-3.5 less than what it reads! YAY! Today I had my follow-up appointment, where I was going to have a pap, and discuss my lab results from the tests that Dr. Jan ordered for me a couple of weeks ago. The nurse seemed concerned that I'd lost 6 pounds in a couple of weeks, but didn't say anything.
I had a routine urinalysis to start off the appt. Within a few minutes of sending off my piss, Dr. Jan was in the exam room, freaking out asking me why I never got the labs done that she ordered, and ranting on how she needed those results because I had excessive ketones in my urine. Ketosis. Yay another medical ailment to add to my growing list.
Then began the diagnosing questions and I just shrug my shoulders. We went on with the pap, but I could tell she was still racking her brain even though she was quiet.
My presumption was correct when she brought up the subject again. She was so concerned and repeated about how I was in a dangerous place right now. Part of me liked someone caring about me. It felt good to have someone be concerned. But yet, I was really embarrassed.
I felt bad for her. She was trying to help me.
I finally let her know that I've struggled with eating issues in the past. I'm such a wimp! I can't even say that I currently do! But she asks if I still am. I tell her yes. She then scheduled another appt with me, gave me the lab orders again, and set me up with a psychologist named Lisa.
I'm not going though.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
If I could have one wish (pre-recovery)
From my myspace - 4/15/2007
Pretty much everytime I eat...I purge.
I've always purged, and sometimes binged, but I would only purge if I had something bad.
Now whether I have something good or bad, I purge. In high school I used to purge when I drank water, and I would refuse to swallow my saliva sometimes because I thought perhaps it contained calories. I'm turning into my high school self. The only good thing about it is I was kinda thin then. Or at least thinner than I am now. But I was SO lost then. I don't want to revert back to that.
I think my only solution is to not have food in my house. Or at least food that I won't eat, or that is too hard to purge. Basically I have to get rid of all snack food, and only have meat and gross stuff similar to that that only my husband eats.
This is so depressing. I mean, who the hell can't have food in their own house?!?! What kind of mess have I become?!?! What will it take for me to see victory?!?! I've spent the last couple of weeks overseas around some very poor and sometimes starving people. But yet right after feeding some of them the only meal they will get all day, I go, eat my lunch and purge. Talk about guilt. It's by my own volition that I starve myself or purge--these people, mostly children, have very little choice in the matter.
I've also had several girls younger than me, come up to me asking for help on the ED issue in the past week. They have been struggling with it, and although they have no idea that I struggle with the same monster, they want to be free from it. I do what I can; pray for them, direct them to long-term help and share stories of hope with them, secretly hoping and praying that I am more of a positive influence on them rather than a negative, triggering, stumbling block.
My husband is bothered by all the purging. He doesn't say or do much about it, but I can tell he is beside himself with it all. He no longer asks "were you a good girl?" after every trip to the lu. He just knows. Neither one of us can foresee any solution to this on the near horizon, other than a miracle. I just let everyone down all the time. I understand why very few believe in me any longer.
The only thing I want right now is to stop purging. That's all. Well, that's pretty much all.
It's weird. I'm feeling so down and so alone in all this, but yet I still have some hope, deep inside me, that someday I will see freedom. I can't describe the hopelessness I currently feel, but yet the hope I feel for my future freedom.
I AM SO SICK OF MY DISGUSTING SELF. I AM AT MY END.
Pretty much everytime I eat...I purge.
I've always purged, and sometimes binged, but I would only purge if I had something bad.
Now whether I have something good or bad, I purge. In high school I used to purge when I drank water, and I would refuse to swallow my saliva sometimes because I thought perhaps it contained calories. I'm turning into my high school self. The only good thing about it is I was kinda thin then. Or at least thinner than I am now. But I was SO lost then. I don't want to revert back to that.
I think my only solution is to not have food in my house. Or at least food that I won't eat, or that is too hard to purge. Basically I have to get rid of all snack food, and only have meat and gross stuff similar to that that only my husband eats.
This is so depressing. I mean, who the hell can't have food in their own house?!?! What kind of mess have I become?!?! What will it take for me to see victory?!?! I've spent the last couple of weeks overseas around some very poor and sometimes starving people. But yet right after feeding some of them the only meal they will get all day, I go, eat my lunch and purge. Talk about guilt. It's by my own volition that I starve myself or purge--these people, mostly children, have very little choice in the matter.
I've also had several girls younger than me, come up to me asking for help on the ED issue in the past week. They have been struggling with it, and although they have no idea that I struggle with the same monster, they want to be free from it. I do what I can; pray for them, direct them to long-term help and share stories of hope with them, secretly hoping and praying that I am more of a positive influence on them rather than a negative, triggering, stumbling block.
My husband is bothered by all the purging. He doesn't say or do much about it, but I can tell he is beside himself with it all. He no longer asks "were you a good girl?" after every trip to the lu. He just knows. Neither one of us can foresee any solution to this on the near horizon, other than a miracle. I just let everyone down all the time. I understand why very few believe in me any longer.
The only thing I want right now is to stop purging. That's all. Well, that's pretty much all.
It's weird. I'm feeling so down and so alone in all this, but yet I still have some hope, deep inside me, that someday I will see freedom. I can't describe the hopelessness I currently feel, but yet the hope I feel for my future freedom.
I AM SO SICK OF MY DISGUSTING SELF. I AM AT MY END.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Awkward Dr.'s Appointment #1 (pre-recovery)
A few weeks ago, I went to get a physical, to a new clinic and new doctor. I was quite nervous about it, for obvious reasons, and it went fine, it was just really awkward. Does anyone else ever experience this? It's beyond fluorescent light awkward and beyond waddling like a duck embarrassing....it's just all together weird.
The nurse checks me out first. She asks when the first day of my last period was, to which I reply, I don't really know, but my last regular period was in September. I tell her I've had brief spotting a couple of days since then. She thinks I'm pregnant. I say I could be, but highly unlikely. She then says with bliss abounding in her eyes, "oh you're lucky not to get your period very often!" Lucky, yeah.
I fake a polite smile. She then takes my blood pressure. She is obviously concerned, so I ask for my stats. BP 79/50. Great. She asks me a few more questions, tells me to wait in the cold room, and says the Doc will be in soon.
As I'm waiting, I'm debating an issue in my mind. I've never been to this clinic before. They don't have my medical records. They don't know about my past with EDs. I'm wondering if I should tell them, or should I play a little game and let them do the math themselves. They would win by either asking me if I could possibly have an ed, or saying they think I have an ed. I win by going undetected.
I don't have courage to tell them the truth, so I decide to play the game.
The doctor comes in swiftly, closes the door quickly, looks me right in the eye, her eyes wide open, and says, "Why is your blood pressure so low?" I shrug. Nice to meet you too.
She tells me how concerned she is about that. She asks several leading diagnostic questions, trying for an explanation, all to which my answers are negatory. Part of me wants to tell her that I just don't eat that much, and when I do eat, I throw up, and I take laxatives, and I take diet pills and sometimes I exercise too much, but I'm too scared.
She looks at my chart and says, "You are 5'8.5 and you weigh XXXX pounds. How much do you normally weigh?" I tell her it varies depending on how much clothing I'm wearing. When I entered the office they weighed me in my clothes, and I purposely wore big cargo pants to the appointment for that very reason. It sure sounded OK to me that I'm 5'8.5 and XXXX pounds in FULL clothing and high heel BOOTS! If anything, it needs to be less.
She had me lie down and she began examining my stomach. When I lay down, my ribs and hips stick out....quite visibly sometimes. This concerned her again, and I could tell she was bordering with THE question. She went over and got a calculator and then tried to explain what a BMI is. She says, "Listen, I know these numbers don't mean anything to you, but if you could get your BMI to XXX...."
Bullshit. These numbers mean ALL TOO MUCH to me.
I know what my BMI is to the half pound for my height.
She asks me how much weight I've lost, and if it was rapid. I ask her to define rapid. She asks for my weight loss history. I tell her about a year and a half ago I lost about 30 pounds in 3-4 months. She's unfazed, which was weird to me,but I can tell she is thinking about how to approach this. She then asks if I will gain weight. She says if I could get up to 135 lbs that would be healthy and great. I just say I don't know if I can. She then asks if I can get up to 130, I say no, she then asks if I will at least go up to 125, to which I once again respond that I don't want to. She could tell I wasn't going to gain.
And that pretty much ended our conversation about my weight and low BP.
When I got up from lying down on the table, I got dizzy. This upset her, but I'm thankful I didn't pass out in front of her. In the end, she ordered some blood tests, scheduled another appointment with me in mid-April, and never mentioned a thing about an ED.
So I guess I won the game.
The nurse checks me out first. She asks when the first day of my last period was, to which I reply, I don't really know, but my last regular period was in September. I tell her I've had brief spotting a couple of days since then. She thinks I'm pregnant. I say I could be, but highly unlikely. She then says with bliss abounding in her eyes, "oh you're lucky not to get your period very often!" Lucky, yeah.
I fake a polite smile. She then takes my blood pressure. She is obviously concerned, so I ask for my stats. BP 79/50. Great. She asks me a few more questions, tells me to wait in the cold room, and says the Doc will be in soon.
As I'm waiting, I'm debating an issue in my mind. I've never been to this clinic before. They don't have my medical records. They don't know about my past with EDs. I'm wondering if I should tell them, or should I play a little game and let them do the math themselves. They would win by either asking me if I could possibly have an ed, or saying they think I have an ed. I win by going undetected.
I don't have courage to tell them the truth, so I decide to play the game.
The doctor comes in swiftly, closes the door quickly, looks me right in the eye, her eyes wide open, and says, "Why is your blood pressure so low?" I shrug. Nice to meet you too.
She tells me how concerned she is about that. She asks several leading diagnostic questions, trying for an explanation, all to which my answers are negatory. Part of me wants to tell her that I just don't eat that much, and when I do eat, I throw up, and I take laxatives, and I take diet pills and sometimes I exercise too much, but I'm too scared.
She looks at my chart and says, "You are 5'8.5 and you weigh XXXX pounds. How much do you normally weigh?" I tell her it varies depending on how much clothing I'm wearing. When I entered the office they weighed me in my clothes, and I purposely wore big cargo pants to the appointment for that very reason. It sure sounded OK to me that I'm 5'8.5 and XXXX pounds in FULL clothing and high heel BOOTS! If anything, it needs to be less.
She had me lie down and she began examining my stomach. When I lay down, my ribs and hips stick out....quite visibly sometimes. This concerned her again, and I could tell she was bordering with THE question. She went over and got a calculator and then tried to explain what a BMI is. She says, "Listen, I know these numbers don't mean anything to you, but if you could get your BMI to XXX...."
Bullshit. These numbers mean ALL TOO MUCH to me.
I know what my BMI is to the half pound for my height.
She asks me how much weight I've lost, and if it was rapid. I ask her to define rapid. She asks for my weight loss history. I tell her about a year and a half ago I lost about 30 pounds in 3-4 months. She's unfazed, which was weird to me,but I can tell she is thinking about how to approach this. She then asks if I will gain weight. She says if I could get up to 135 lbs that would be healthy and great. I just say I don't know if I can. She then asks if I can get up to 130, I say no, she then asks if I will at least go up to 125, to which I once again respond that I don't want to. She could tell I wasn't going to gain.
And that pretty much ended our conversation about my weight and low BP.
When I got up from lying down on the table, I got dizzy. This upset her, but I'm thankful I didn't pass out in front of her. In the end, she ordered some blood tests, scheduled another appointment with me in mid-April, and never mentioned a thing about an ED.
So I guess I won the game.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
