Written to my myspace friends.
My dear friends,
I've waited for this day for years. I've been so excited to tell you all this! It's official. Recovery. For over 2 weeks now.
I don't know what happened. I was dying. Maybe from the ED, but surely about to die by my own hand. And I just snapped one day and couldn't do it anymore.
I've gained. I've cried. I've screamed. I've been in excruciating pain. I'm nervous. I'm bloated. My body doesn't fit in my skin. I'm scared that I won't be loved anymore. I'm battling this. I want perfect. But I want free more.
But I'm mostly happy. And the peace I have right now is better than the continual torment I was in before.
Will I be loved? Will I be respected? Will I lose my intrigue? Just some honest questions from me.....
Keep me in your prayers beautiful girlies.......You know you will be in mine!
I won't be on here much...at least I hope I won't! I love you all!
E-mail me if you want to keep in touch.
Love and Peace and Hope, Scarlett
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Tips for your Eating Disorder
From my myspace.
So you want to get better at your anorexia??? What about your bulimia???
Here are some things about me that will probably help you in your decision!
-Yesterday, I ate an apple, an orange, 2 dill pickles, coffee, diet coke and 4 sugar free candies. I gained a half a pound!!! And that's after shitting AND working out.
-I have golf-ball sized lumps under my throat from purging....which I can barely do anymore. It's awesome! Go mia! I get to wear scarves 24/7 to cover my swollen salivary glands.
-My stomach sticks out, it's SO cool. I can't wear a swimsuit because it's continually blocked up with shit, binge food, and fruit. Even laxatives can't flatten it anymore.
-If you starve yourself long enough, you will whittle your list of "safe" foods down to, uh, nothing. If you're lucky like me, you have major anxiety after 4 sugar free candies.
-And because you don't/can't eat anything without gaining weight, it hurts to work out. Yep, try climbing that flight of stairs and you run out of breath. It's not embarrassing at all.
-Yaya! No more period....osteoporosis instead.
-Who needs perfume when you continually smell like vomit. And so does your bathroom. And you don't have the energy to clean it very often.
-I love having "ana" as my best friend. I've lost all my other friends, but at least I have my true friend, "ana". She has my best in mind.
-I used to eat 1000 calories in a day and lose weight. Now I fast for 3 days and stay the same weight. At the end of the 3 day fast I eat 200 calories and laxatives AND gain weight.
-You want control? There is no fucking control. You THINK you'll be able to stop when you want to. You think you'll only do this for awhile. Until you reach a goal weight. It doesn't end. You will have no control. If you eat anything, you will gain weight. It will control you.
-So you've never been suicidal, depressed, anxious or anything like that? Well, you get all that and more with an eating disorder. Everyday, you wake up and want to kill yourself. You realize that no matter how much you starve yourself you will never be skinny. The thought of recovery makes you want to slit your wrists. After eating 400 calories in a day and gaining 1 lb, imagine what a 3000 calorie a day recovery diet can do to you! That's why recovery makes you want to die.
-Do you have a hard time with names? Forget words and nouns? Oh, it'll get even better! Just wait. Pretty soon you will remember very few things. Places, people, dates, simple things, important work things, routine things. Just yesterday I applied for something online. I spent over an hour on this website, reading and typing the company name multiple times as part of the application process. Today I went to check the status of my application and for the life of me, I can't remember the company name, after I typed it over and over again just yesterday. I'll have to go check my browsing history.
-What will fill your mind? The only thing that will be on your mind is, "oh my god, I can't eat that", "do i look fat from this angle", "when can I purge", "i hate myself". Just put it on repeat now.....get used to it.
-Might as well cut your hair, it's all going to fall out anyway. Mine is so thin now....it's just gorgeous!
-Don't forget about the continual obsession with food. You will find yourself becoming the owner of cookbooks, logging into recipe sites, and planning elaborate meals. Forget about any other interests!
-People stop telling you how skinny you are. You never hear it anymore. Instead you get looks of disgust, repulsion and maybe a few of sympathy. You start to convince yourself that people aren't telling you that you are thin because you are really now fat.
-Once I was toned. Now I'm skinny. I'm what you call skinny-fat. I'm skinny, and all my muscle turned to fat. Skinny-fat.
-I wear 3 pairs of pants, a wife-beater, 2 t-shirts, 2 long-sleeve shirts, a wool sweater, thick wool socks, and big crocheted scarves everyday. And my fingers are still purple and cold. I look fat. So much for "ana" making me thin.
AREN'T THESE GREAT TIPS?!?!? Don't you want to continue on in your eating disorder?
Go ANA!!!
Go MIA!!!
Ana and Mia can fuck themselves. I'm pissed. They have stole my fucking life. And they want to steal yours.
Fuck them. Fuck them.
I want my fucking life back, bitches.
So you want to get better at your anorexia??? What about your bulimia???
Here are some things about me that will probably help you in your decision!
-Yesterday, I ate an apple, an orange, 2 dill pickles, coffee, diet coke and 4 sugar free candies. I gained a half a pound!!! And that's after shitting AND working out.
-I have golf-ball sized lumps under my throat from purging....which I can barely do anymore. It's awesome! Go mia! I get to wear scarves 24/7 to cover my swollen salivary glands.
-My stomach sticks out, it's SO cool. I can't wear a swimsuit because it's continually blocked up with shit, binge food, and fruit. Even laxatives can't flatten it anymore.
-If you starve yourself long enough, you will whittle your list of "safe" foods down to, uh, nothing. If you're lucky like me, you have major anxiety after 4 sugar free candies.
-And because you don't/can't eat anything without gaining weight, it hurts to work out. Yep, try climbing that flight of stairs and you run out of breath. It's not embarrassing at all.
-Yaya! No more period....osteoporosis instead.
-Who needs perfume when you continually smell like vomit. And so does your bathroom. And you don't have the energy to clean it very often.
-I love having "ana" as my best friend. I've lost all my other friends, but at least I have my true friend, "ana". She has my best in mind.
-I used to eat 1000 calories in a day and lose weight. Now I fast for 3 days and stay the same weight. At the end of the 3 day fast I eat 200 calories and laxatives AND gain weight.
-You want control? There is no fucking control. You THINK you'll be able to stop when you want to. You think you'll only do this for awhile. Until you reach a goal weight. It doesn't end. You will have no control. If you eat anything, you will gain weight. It will control you.
-So you've never been suicidal, depressed, anxious or anything like that? Well, you get all that and more with an eating disorder. Everyday, you wake up and want to kill yourself. You realize that no matter how much you starve yourself you will never be skinny. The thought of recovery makes you want to slit your wrists. After eating 400 calories in a day and gaining 1 lb, imagine what a 3000 calorie a day recovery diet can do to you! That's why recovery makes you want to die.
-Do you have a hard time with names? Forget words and nouns? Oh, it'll get even better! Just wait. Pretty soon you will remember very few things. Places, people, dates, simple things, important work things, routine things. Just yesterday I applied for something online. I spent over an hour on this website, reading and typing the company name multiple times as part of the application process. Today I went to check the status of my application and for the life of me, I can't remember the company name, after I typed it over and over again just yesterday. I'll have to go check my browsing history.
-What will fill your mind? The only thing that will be on your mind is, "oh my god, I can't eat that", "do i look fat from this angle", "when can I purge", "i hate myself". Just put it on repeat now.....get used to it.
-Might as well cut your hair, it's all going to fall out anyway. Mine is so thin now....it's just gorgeous!
-Don't forget about the continual obsession with food. You will find yourself becoming the owner of cookbooks, logging into recipe sites, and planning elaborate meals. Forget about any other interests!
-People stop telling you how skinny you are. You never hear it anymore. Instead you get looks of disgust, repulsion and maybe a few of sympathy. You start to convince yourself that people aren't telling you that you are thin because you are really now fat.
-Once I was toned. Now I'm skinny. I'm what you call skinny-fat. I'm skinny, and all my muscle turned to fat. Skinny-fat.
-I wear 3 pairs of pants, a wife-beater, 2 t-shirts, 2 long-sleeve shirts, a wool sweater, thick wool socks, and big crocheted scarves everyday. And my fingers are still purple and cold. I look fat. So much for "ana" making me thin.
AREN'T THESE GREAT TIPS?!?!? Don't you want to continue on in your eating disorder?
Go ANA!!!
Go MIA!!!
Ana and Mia can fuck themselves. I'm pissed. They have stole my fucking life. And they want to steal yours.
Fuck them. Fuck them.
I want my fucking life back, bitches.
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