I'm quitting.

It's time to quit, to give it up, to let it go, to move on.  Whatever you want to call it.

I quit smoking. 

I quit about 36 hours ago, but about 24 hours ago I was going kind of crazy and had to just have a smoke.  Gross.  The great thing about it was after not smoking for about 12 hours, I got a buzz off the cigarette and felt nasty afterwards. 

That's a good thing because it means that my body isn't as addicted...I think.

It's quite ironic that I smoke because I'm a singer and make some pretty decent income from that....

Calorie Counting & Defeat

After my post of frustration, in which I detailed that I've been unable to gain weight, I had some thoughts that went something like this: 

What if I'm really not eating that much and in some warped way, my mind is convincing my body that I'm full when in all actuality, I'm starving myself?

I decided to do something I haven't allowed myself to do for a while: count calories for an entire day.

I'm glad I did it, because now I know I'm not crazy, my mind isn't tricking my body and I really am eating an insane amount of food.

My calorie total for the day was around.....

I need to gain weight!!! Help!

I'm getting really frustrated. 

I absolutely cannot gain weight right now.  I know for most of you reading this, it sounds like a dream come true.  Puh-lease don't hate me.  For a part of me, it sounds like an easy entrance back into anorexia.

The truth is, I want to gain weight so I can get pregnant again.  I'm getting my periods but I'm not ovulating.   I just just keep losing weight.  Damn.

I hadn't weighed myself for a couple of days, but this morning, the scale said I've lost 2.5 pounds in the last 2 days.  I'm * * this close to losing my period. 

This is a familiar story for me.  About 8 months after I recovered from anorexia, I got my period back.  It was hit and miss for awhile. It took about 20 months for ovulation to start again and here is why....