I need to gain weight!!! Help!

I'm getting really frustrated. 

I absolutely cannot gain weight right now.  I know for most of you reading this, it sounds like a dream come true.  Puh-lease don't hate me.  For a part of me, it sounds like an easy entrance back into anorexia.

The truth is, I want to gain weight so I can get pregnant again.  I'm getting my periods but I'm not ovulating.   I just just keep losing weight.  Damn.

I hadn't weighed myself for a couple of days, but this morning, the scale said I've lost 2.5 pounds in the last 2 days.  I'm * * this close to losing my period. 

This is a familiar story for me.  About 8 months after I recovered from anorexia, I got my period back.  It was hit and miss for awhile. It took about 20 months for ovulation to start again and here is why....



A very smart doctor had my body fat tested at one point during recovery, and even though I was at a very healthy weight and my BMI was fine, my body fat was very low, too low to ovulate or have regular periods.  Everything looked great in all my exams, but for whatever reason, I'm pretty muscular and that puts me in a normal weight range even when my body isn't healthy because it has a low body fat percentage.
So, I quit working out, ate tons and did nothing which practically killed me.  But after all that, wham bam, I got pregnant within 6 weeks.
I know I need to gain at least 5 pounds of FAT in order to ovulate.  I know this because I've been there, done that, and it worked. 

I'm not doing any physical activity besides housework; not even walking or swimming.  I really don't want to wean Lovebug from nursing either, but if I am willing to cut back a little in order to gain.  Of course, I'm willing and wanting to quit smoking as well, I'm just not any good at quitting.

I use butter, olive oil and coconut oil in things that shouldn't have those things in them.  Side note: don't put coconut oil in a fruit and flax seed smoothie, it's nasty.  I eat tons of peanut and almond butters, nuts, eggs, and I definitely have my share of fat, fat, fat foods and desserts! :-) 

I'm a hyperactive person, I know that.  I have a kick-ass metabolism, thank God.  I'm breastfeeding, which burns 8 trillion calories a day.  And I also smoke, which I know impedes on my ability to gain weight.

Yes, I smoke.  Shame, shame on me. 

My smoking habit isn't a public thing, I keep it under wraps and only do it at home, so only my neighbors and my husband know.  I've tried quitting a million times, and I've gone a year or two here or there without them.  I started back up in April and I try to quit every other week or so.

Even still, I'm constantly eating.  Constantly.  The other night, I went out for dinner with my girlfriends, and about an hour before I went I had something to eat.  Once we got the the restaurant, I ordered the largest sandwich on their menu, ate it all, ate half of my friend's sandwich, had 2 beers, and then I ordered a dessert for two and ate the whole thing.  I was still hungry. 

It's getting ridiculous. 

This weekend, I went to a Bachelorette party in which I drank and partied from 5pm to 3am, and ate food at almost every bar we stopped at.  I just can't keep eating so much, all day and night and never gain weight. 

Some are questioning if I've relapsed again because of my ability to eat to much and not gain weight.  Some think I'm purging again.  I'm NOT relapsing!

The only way I'm able to maintain is if I eat until I'm uncomfortably full, which feels awful and it's very triggering for me.  I immediately want to purge when I get so full.

I'm not exactly sure what my next step should be.  I'm not sure what my options are because for the sake of maintaining relationship with my friends in real life, I haven't talked to anyone about this except my husband.  His answer is to just keep feeding me more and more food.  I now out eat him; and he's a large man.


What to do, what to do.  Is this a metabolism thing or is there something more to this?