After my post of frustration, in which I detailed that I've been unable to gain weight, I had some thoughts that went something like this:
What if I'm really not eating that much and in some warped way, my mind is convincing my body that I'm full when in all actuality, I'm starving myself?
I decided to do something I haven't allowed myself to do for a while: count calories for an entire day.
I'm glad I did it, because now I know I'm not crazy, my mind isn't tricking my body and I really am eating an insane amount of food.
My calorie total for the day was around.....
4,220 calories!! Holy moly! I forgot how much WORK it is to count calories, especially when you're counting that high!
If I didn't know how many calories was in something, for instance the homemade ice cream I ate, I guessed low. So my calorie count could very well be higher. I also didn't count any fruit or veggies I had, as well as a couple pieces of candy.
Here's what I had:
*denotes I guesstimated on calories
juice - 80 cals
oatmeal, made w/ whole milk (not water), flax seeds and blueberries - 200 cals*
crackers - 90 cals
2 string cheese - 180 cals
trail mix (multiple 1/4 cup helpings) - 1,040 cals
3 pieces of fried chicken w/ skin (2 drumsticks, 1 breast) - 660 cals
steak fries (just a few) - 100 cals*
^^^^ this ^^^^ was all before noon!!! 2,350 calories!!!
chocolate - 100 cals
half bag of chips, no joke - 600 cals
3 scrambled eggs w/ whole milk and lots of cheese - 400 cals*
homemade ice cream (made with mostly cream and a little whole milk so I can gain weight) - 200 cals*
protein bar - 270 cals
a whole lotta cookie dough - 300 cals*
At the end of the day, I wasn't very full, but I wasn't hungry either. I was comfortable. When I woke up and weighed myself in the morning, I was pissed!
I lost 2 pounds! Two freakin' pounds eating all that.
How the heck does someone eat over 4,000 calories and lose weight? Especially a woman of my size and stature. I worked all morning and into the early afternoon, then did usual housework at home and sat down to chill around 10pm. I just don't get it.
I was in a serious funk and depression after I saw that I lost weight. I just can't keep eating crap all day long in hopes of gaining, when even eating mostly shit food isn't helping. I feel ishy and fat and tired eating all that. It's interferring with work, because I can't concentrate if I'm hungry, so I have to stop and eat all the time. I can't go longer than 45 minutes without having a little something to eat. I load myself up with food before bed, otherwise I wake in the night to eat.
My BMI is getting close to hitting the underweight mark. I know I'm not at a dangerously low weight or anything like that, but I do need to gain weight. I want to gain weight.
I'm about ready to throw in the towel. This is defeating and depressing and VERY triggering.
I feel like my only choice in life is to be anorexic. It feels like if I'm not willfully choosing anorexia, my body chooses it for me.
2 comments:
trying really hard not to hate you right now!! Hehe ok just kidding. I am just one of those people who has absolutely no problem gaining and in order to stay in recovery I have had to accept a weight that is toward the higher end of my weight range (but recovery is still worth it).
On the other hand, what you are going through sounds just a frustrating and also quite expensive! Have you had your thyroid tested? And as you mentioned, you are nursing, which uses quite a bit of energy. I know youwant to get pregnant now, but maybe your body is telling you to wait until your child is weaned?
Good luck!
Oh but Lisa, you look fab! For real!
Haha, and thanks for not hating me! :)
I totally hear you on accepting a higher weight for the victory of recovery, but that has got to be a battle sometimes for you as well.
I haven't had my thyroid tested; my mom has thyroid problems and quite honestly, I'm not a huge fan of doctors since my last relapse with anorexia. :/
I've thought about waiting until Lovebug is weaned, but I really don't know how long that will be. My husband is pretty chill and just likes to let things happen as they will, so he'd be fine waiting years to have more kids. But not me, lol! I figure that we made the decision to enter parenthood, so it's all or nothing, baby! ;-)
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