From my myspace - 10/22/2007
Hey everybody. It's been a while. I was distancing myself from this myspace......and I guess I still am, but I did want to say hi! You all are so amazing and so supportive---THANK YOU! You all are the only support I have left, and it's invaluable. Words can't say how much I appreciate all the love, encouragement and laughs!
I went for quite a while without binging/purging, but just restricted. And lost weight, which felt good. But the second I started eating, I lost all control. And that's where I am now. Out of control.
I thought about getting medical help yesterday. And I really wanted it. I talked it over with my husband, and he didn't believe that I was really ready for help. And I was. It took so much courage to tell him. He just kind of looked at me, and went back to watching tv. He later said he didn't think I was serious.
THANK YOU for listening to me. THANK YOU for believing me. I would have confined myself to any hospital at that point. But he didn't think I was serious. So I felt like I wasn't deserving of help. Like I'm a liar. If my husband can't believe me, who can??? That has resulted in me bingeing and purging for almost 12 hours straight today. This is the worst and the longest I've ever binged/purged.
And that's it. I only have these "moments" about twice a year. And that moment, when I am willing to do anything, pay anything, go anywhere, submit to anything, came and went yesterday. I asked him to sign me up for the tv show "intervention". He laughed and thought I was being ridiculous. I was serious. Yes, I will broadcast my fat ass on primetime television in hopes of treatment. I'm desperate.
He does care. He really does. He is just as trapped as I am. He doesn't know what to do either.
I'll keep doing my thing, I guess. Starving. Obsessing over food. Purging occasionally and bingeing even less. Weighing myself. Checking my pulse. Watching my hair fallout. Watching yet another year pass with no menses. Striving for another low weight. Alone. I do have a question though: What vitamins do y'all take? Multi? Pre-natal? Hair and Nail? Because my hair is falling out(well, it's not patchy yet, but it's really thin) and my nails are peeling and splitting--so I thought a vitamin may help the condition soon. Any suggestions on a vitamin would be appreciated.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I love you all! Love and Hope and Peace, Scarlett
PS- If I see another "thinspo" video that's full of black and white pictures of "average-sized" 17-year-old emo girls, with unnaturally dark hair, consisting of thick cut face-swooping bangs, wearing skinny jeans and shirts with a pattern of either hearts, skulls, or stripes, I think I'm going to puke. Why are all the videos full of these girls?!?! Are they all the same girl? Because if any of you all have ever seen these videos, you know the look I'm talking about. And not that these girls aren't pretty, but a little variety would be nice!
