Here is a little fun for you(to be envisioned with me holding a microphone in my hand, and perhaps jogging, doing penance for my sins).
Voice Inmyhead: And now, the weekend report LIVE on Location, with Scarlett FatAss...
Scarlett FatAss (me):
Thanks again Voice Inmyhead. As you can see, this weekend, once again, I have failed miserably. I have been surrounded by relatives, movie theatres with lots of buttered pop corn and an endless supply of Halloween candy. Over the weekend my paunch was filled to it's delight, beginning on Saturday with handfuls of kettle corn, followed by a half-hearted purge. M&M's sitting on a coffee table, were too much to bear, as was the Thai repast that was given me for supper.
On Sunday, when conditions were expected to improve, things only got worse. Starting with pancakes, followed by the 3rd purge in less than 24 hours, and continuing to eat Japanese arare and Thai Lychee jelly until it came out of my ass, this weekend was shit.
One witness, a waitress, reported the scene like this: "When I saw her, I like, expected her to not be able to eat very much. But she, like, ate as much as all the obese people that were in the restaurant. It was like, a little, um, confusing, but she must work really hard to keep from getting obese or something."
A mom with her young son who were in the bathroom that I frequent descibed a much different scene: "She went immediately to the back stall. The bathroom was so quiet, and it was so, ah, disgusting, I could hear her retching. The sound of the auto-flush toilet flushing periodically, and the horrendous sound of someone choking, was just too much for us to bear. We had to leave."
As you can see, there are two very different stories; one of a skinny girl with perhaps, a fast metabolism, and the second of a fat girl, trying desperately to be skinny. And it's obvious which one is the truth.
But not to be totally dismayed, as there are a couple redemptive factors from the weekend: A 2 1/2 mile walk on Sunday and the best news of all, a truce beginning October 30th, committing to finally losing all the fat. This is Scarlett FatAss, with ANA100, live in Scarlett's Mind- and now back to you Voice Inmyhead.
Voice Inmyhead:
Thanks Scarlett. We can really see the results of your weekend, what a living, and scary, testament. And now, we proceed with our regular show "How the damn people who decide the Nutrition Facts are way off, and you've been consuming twice as much as they say. They're really just trying to fuck us over".
I guess I'm a crackhead, but maybe I'm a funny one at that!
