From my myspace - 3/12/2007
A couple of days ago, I had the chance to visit my parents' in my hometown. One afternoon, while talking with my mom we began talking about healthy eating and healthy eating at church potlucks, my mom told me that one of our pastors battles with an eating disorder!!! Oh my gosh. I didn't say anything to my mom, because 1. I didn't want to gossip and 2. I didn't want to sound too interested. I just numbly muttered something like, oh or wow or really.
This is a really weird feeling. This pastor is SUPER skinny, probably the skinniest American I've ever seen. I've known him since 4th grade, and he's always been alarmingly thin. Prior to knowing this information, I've asked my husband repeatedly if he has ever seen this pastor eat. My husband who knows him better than I do and has worked with him quite a bit, and is generally an optimist, said that of course he eats, he has to in order to live. I wasn't satisfied, and even during sermons, I was continually analyzing things he said looking for a sign to prove myself right or wrong.
While we were home over Christmas, we were leaving the church one Sunday, when the Pastor AND his wife, came up and talked to us. It was weird because of all the hundreds of people to talk to, they chose to talk to us, simultaneously. We talked about the usual things.
We walked out of the church, and I told my husband, "They know about me." He said, "That's impossible. How could they? And how could you judge them in such a short conversation?"I said, "I've had this issue for over half of my life, I KNOW when people know. I know the feeling and look when people suspect something, but I KNOW when someone knows for sure because someone else has informed them. Someone in our family told them."
At first, when they came to talk to us, it struck me as odd, and immediately, I knew that they knew. I suspected one of our family members told the pastor. I then got nervous, because I thought they were coming to get a closer look at the sick girl, the hypocrite, or to judge me. But it was different. When they spoke to me, they had no judgment in their eyes, but instead they looked with compassion. They studied me as I talked, but never did I sense judgment. I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME FIGURE OT WHY THEY DIDN'T JUDGE ME as we talked. Now I know why.
After I found out this info about my pastor, I talked to my husband, and reminded him of the convo we had over Christmas with the Pastor and his wife, and my husband agreed that it all made sense now. He then told me something else. He said that now that he has thought about it for a bit, in the almost 20 years he has known and worked with this pastor in ministry, he can't recall ever seeing him eat anything except fruit and maybe some candy.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. It made me seem human again, like not such a failure. I know all people struggle with things, but sometimes I feel like the only mess-up. Knowing this about my pastor doesn't justify my actions. I don't "feel better" knowing this. I don't feel like it's OK for me to continue in this just because he does. I just feel more normal. And my heart breaks for him and his wife, because I can understand some of their pain.
