I've had quite a few opportunities and interest in "my story" lately. I've been leading a few small groups and curiosity has been piqued as I've had a couple high school friends in these groups and they clearly know bits of my story and alluded to it in these small group conversations.
We also have a monthly event where people share their stories. My husband finds volunteers and people share as a community-building experience. My husband has been after me for three years to share my story. I'd just share the "safe" things - I made bad choices sometimes, was in some crappy relationships, battled anorexia in high school (never would I mention as an adult and in full-time ministry) but God did so much in my life and I'm a new creation! Bam!
That's the safe side.
Frankly, there's so many parts of it - the illicit relationships with my pastors, the abuse, my anorexia while being in full time ministry - that I'm NOT ready to share. Some of those things wouldn't be appropriate to share nor do I know if I ever could share.
But I keep getting asked if I know anyone who has experience with eating disorders. I say, "No, I don't know anyone who can provide counsel along those lines. I wonder if Counselor So-and-So could help?" End of the conversation. However, it's happening frequently and I'm feeling it's more than coincidence.
I'm a mama, a pastor's wife, a worship leader, a childbirth professional and a bazillion other titles follow my introduction, but recovering anorexic or abuse survivor or someone who had sexual relationship with not one but two of her pastors in high school? No. Those things should not be included in my title or story. I can't bear to say those things and look people in the eyes, let alone type them.
As usual, sign after sign keeps arriving in my lap. My faith is there and present but at a low spot. I have doubts. We have a new-ish pastor at our church and as I'm slowly working up the courage to share more than a few words with him (poor guy, he obviously has no idea why I'm so cold - I'd be SO embarrassed if he ever found out), it's bringing about a lot of anxiety in me. He called a meeting with me about worship when he first started and I had to meet in his office with him. Windows were open, the door was cracked, my husband was right across the hall praying for me, it was a brief meeting, but it was very triggering for me. Even thinking about it right now leaves me feeling panicked. Would he pursue me if he knew those things about me? Would he take advantage of me as well? Would I be able to resist or would I fall back into the silent victim? What if he is like the other pastors I had?
I am completely awkward towards almost all men I meet. I am feeling some prompting towards release, but I think I will pursue a professional therapist. The Statute of Limitations is well passed, but I still worry.
My story is incredulous, I get that and most likely, I wouldn't even share details about any of the above if I did share my story, but to admit defeat by any of the above? Pride. I am prideful. People guessed I was anorexic, but I rarely admitted it. Ha, I've been in ministry my whole adult life; I learned early on to keep things internal or get eaten. To share would degrade my pride and everyone loves a good story about the pastor's wife.
And at the same time, how can I let such awful, shitty, heartbreaking things be wasted? How can I let my story stay hidden for vanity's sake? Or fear of the ladies' circle?
I can't.
God HAS done miracles in my life. I want to share them. I'm just not sure how.
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