I'm pregnant and I'm not happy with my weight gain. I have no support. My first pregnancy, I was fresh into recovery so I had quite a bit of encouragement, mostly from my husband.
But people think I'm 'better' now. Just because I'm pregnant for the second time.
The truth is, this is the hardest part. I'm really gaining weight and I'm freaking out. I'm pretty depressed about it and have a hard time even getting up sometimes because I can't stand the sight of my body.
I mentioned it to my midwife today and she was aware of it all because my history with anorexia was in my medical files. She was nice about it and asked me if I'm using laxatives or binging and purging.
But people think I'm 'better' now. Just because I'm pregnant for the second time.
The truth is, this is the hardest part. I'm really gaining weight and I'm freaking out. I'm pretty depressed about it and have a hard time even getting up sometimes because I can't stand the sight of my body.
I mentioned it to my midwife today and she was aware of it all because my history with anorexia was in my medical files. She was nice about it and asked me if I'm using laxatives or binging and purging.
How do you answer that? I actually answered honestly. Fuck. I'm not doing that stuff all the time. I'm not in danger, my baby is safe, right? I just purge sometimes when things feel out of control.
And right now, everything is out of control in my marriage.
Speaking of marriage, I just told my husband that I'm struggling and he stormed out of the house. Thanks? I guess.
I'm gaining a lot of weight and when I asked for support in one of the online due date groups, I was met with lots of "yes, I'm gaining so much right now! 4 pounds!" I specifically said I don't want to hear from the people that gain 2 pounds by 20 weeks: I want to hear from others who gain a lot, like I do.
I need to know I'm going to be OK. And the only person outside voice that can reaffirm that, my husband, just walked out the door.
1 comment:
I'm not pregnant, but I'm recovering from ED and fully engaged in my recovery as of 2 weeks ago. I'm happily married and having kids is a HUGE deal for me. My husband wants a big family and i'm going to struggle with just one. I don't want to go through the pregnancy stage becuase i'm scared just like you are. I'm scared of my body changing, but just recently I have learned to slowly accept my body for the first time ever. I'm not sure if I will be so opening to body change of pregnancy though. I just wanted to tell you I understand your fear but i'm sending you hope and faith! keep up the fight! You are worth it, your family is worth it and your unborn baby is worth it!
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